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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 17, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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shower curtain with my face on it. and the best part it comes with a rod that is bent in the opposite direction so it's guaranteed to uncomfortably cling to your body throughout the cleansing process. some of those might have been made up but the last product is 100% real and for adults only. who among us doesn't appreciate a younger tighter vagina? that's why my number one gift this christmas is 18 again vaginal shrink cream. it makes your hoo-ha feel like new-ha. i had a few staffers test it out and they said their vagina felt closer to 16 but i think calling it 16 again is a slippery slope. the good news, every loose-lipped slut in the studio audience is going home with a tube of their own.
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you're welcome. have fun watching a priest slowly die in your living room. good night. >> stephen: tonight harsh punishment for big banks. that slap on the wrist could knock off their cuff links. how toll keep the spark in your marriage? try a date night or any dried fruit really. and my guest tom brokaw is here to talk about president obama's second term. i'll ask him if there's any way to avoid a third. [ laughter ] a shop is charging a fee for liberal customers. that has to sting for utah's liberal. this is stephen colbert. ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause )
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[crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please. good to have you with us. as you can see, folks i'm on top of the world today. [ laughter ] because of the study i read that forcing a smile genuinely makes you happier. i have to say, this study makes sense. that joker guy seems really chipper. [ laughter ]
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this is great news. i'm just so sad i didn't know it before. all right. all right. let's see what is happening in the news tonight. okay. checking the web here. president obama signed 23 gun control measures today and called on congress to ban assault weapons and 100 round magazines. [ laughter ] there goes my fishing trip, okay? [ laughter ] more on that tomorrow. what else do we have here? the system of boeing 787 dreamliner can apparently burst into flames. they don't know why. that's fun. [ laughter ] oh, it has been revealed that our new friend egyptian mohammed morsi once called jews blood suckers as well as the descendants of apes and pigs.
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[ laughter ] it takes all kinds. let's see here, according to a study published in the journal of health psychologist people who suppress their anger die younger than people who don't. thank god i don't have to smile anymore. now can i be angry again and that makes me so happy. who know who i'm most happy to be angry at, folks? the people angry at our banks. i'm not the only one who feels this way. >> everyone goes the evil banks. it's time to stop demonizing banks. >> stephen: yes, stop demonizing the banks. they've not destroyed the world's economy for over four years. the attacks keep coming. hsbc targeted bay justice department witch hunt over a few minor infractions. >> hsbc admitted today that it covered up illegal transactions
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for burma, iran, sudan, cuba and libya. those nations were under banking sanctions because of human rights atrocities, terrorism or in iran's case, a nuclear program. >> stephen: big deal. [ laughter ] it's not like hsbc was the one enriching plutonium, they were just enriching themselves. there's just one other thing. >> it laundered more than $800 million for mexican drug cartels. >> hundreds of thousands of u.s. dollars daily deposited to hsbc mexico using boxes specially made to fit through tellers windows to speed transactions. >> stephen: okay, but how was hsbc supposed to know the big specially made boxes the cartels were dropping off were full of drug money? they could have just as easily been filled with human heads. [ laughter ] turns out it was drug money and
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once they were caught, hsbc was slammed with a $1.9 billion fine. $1.9 billion dollars. do you have any idea how long it would take them to earn that back? four weeks. [ laughter ] i mean, you could take the special k challenge twice! [ laughter ] folks, just to show -- just so show how sorry they are for funding murder, hsbc has decided to partially defer bonus compensation for senior officials. okay? partially deferring their bonuses. i think that really demonstrates their partial humanity. [ laughter ] i did not know this but sometimes when people launder money for drug cartels, they go to jail. but the obama administration
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isn't going to do that because as assistant attorney general brewer said hsbc would almost certainly have lost its banking license and the entire banking system would have been destabilizing. that would be like throwing the baby out with the bath water. incidentally it's yet to be proven that hsbc profited in any way from black market baby disposal. they were just heavily invested in bath water remany offal. lay off the banks. here to lay on the banks is rolling stone writer, editor and author of article "secrets and lies of the bailout." matt thanks for coming. you work for "the rolling stone" one magazine that still exists. matt, is it really fair to rake hsbc over the coals for the one time event that happened over a
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decade ago? >> do you see the movie conair? they laundered money for everybody in that airplane. it was terrorists, drug dealers, you know, mass murderers. >> stephen: that's called diversifying your investments, matt. that's what banks are supposed to do. >> i guess so and they did it very well. >> stephen: what do you think should have happened to hsbc? >> i think somebody should have gone to jail for starters. [cheers and applause] there are a few right now that somebody in night court in new york city will get a tougher fine for peeing in an alley than anybody got at hsbc for laundering money for drug cartels. >> stephen: but if they peed in 800 alleys they wouldn't have thrown them in jail because they would have destabilized the
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urine market. these banks are chaftized now? >> they are bigger, more complex and harder to regulate. this with hsbc and ubs which got a similar settlement later it's been shown we can't throw them in jail, any of them because they are too important as people to put them in jail. >> stephen: so they are like 007 licensed to kill our economy. >> exactly. >> stephen: you famously called goldman sachs a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity. >> yes. >> stephen: so you are an objective journalist. >> right. >> stephen: what mullet would you compare to hsbc. >> when i said that about goldman i got flack from zoologists who said i was slandering that particular animal.
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i'm going lay off any mollusk. >> stephen: okay. fine. what is the problem with superwealthy people or organizations being able to buy themselves out of trouble? i mean, our nation needs cash. >> the problem is that, you know, when the rule of law doesn't aemploy if everybody, then you don't really have the -- apply to everybody, then you don't really have the rule of law anymore. if we can't arrest these people because they are too important what does that say to somebody carrying a joint. >> stephen: again, you should be carrying 800 million joints. why not lay back and enjoy it because we need the banks? right? we can't do without the banks. maybe it is right. maybe we've gotten to the point where we can't do anything to these guys because they provide an essential service. you get a paycheck. do you use a bank? >> i do use a bank.
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i don't use the mattress anymore. >> stephen: sour a hypocrite. [ laughter ] -- so you are a hypocrite? >> exactly. that's the argument they made. all the financial companies have essentially made this argument that we're tool imperative to the stability of the system therefore we can't be prosecuted anymore. >> stephen: not only that but if the banks went out of business, i would have to -- >> where would you get your drugs. that's right. [ laughter ] >> stephen: matt -- [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, you know, what i'm look look -- when i'm looking for relationship advice i always turn to teleevangelist and gay icon pat robertson. i'm in the the only one. on the 700 club last week a 17-year-old boy wrote in saying he noticed how alone his mom feels because his father spends too much time at the computer playing a war game and he wants his father to spend more time with his mom. but the subtext is my dad is hog
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the xbox 360. what i really think is sweet is the sensitive way pat robertson approached the dell imait problems of interpersonal relationships. >> it may be your mom isn't as sweet as you think she is. she may be hard nosed. a woman came to a preacher i know. it was so funny. she was all of look. her hair was torn up and she was over weight and she o reverend, what can i do? my husband has started to drink. and the preacher looked at her and said madam, if i was married to you i would start to drink, too. >> o my -- >> we need to cultivate romance, darling. i'm married to him so he has to take me. fix yourself up, look pretty. >> stephen: listen to pat,
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ladies. come on, no, come on. you want to keep your man's attention you stop being so slatterly right after i check a 19th century dictionary to find out what it means. live up to the beauty standards that this man has sex look at that eye candy. [ laughter ] well, -- this man has set. just look at that eye candy. well, i -- eye pudding. [ laughter ] pat is preaching family values as jesus said in the bible let he who is without sin cast the first phone and that uggo over there. i mean woof! if mrs. christ, christine, i believe if she wasn't so
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight is a network news icon who has been in journalism since the 60's. i'll ask him where he was when he heard the news that i was born. please welcome tom brokaw.
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[cheers and applause] tom, good to see you again. thank you for coming. sit down. all right, you've been doing -- >> the audience has gotten an exinterest dose of am pet means tonight. >> stephen: they have. they scored them from hsbc. have you done anything exciting lately. every time i talk to you i try to brag with something fun. i said i had just come back from new zealand fly fishing and you said, you said i just came back from fly fishing with gorbachev. what have you done that is only brokawesque? >> i'm getting ready to go on a big biking trip in patagonia. >> stephen: really? must be nice be tom brokaw. >> it's not bad. >> stephen: you are him. you've been him for years nowch
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as a man drin of the news business. you've covered nine presidents since j.f.k. what does a second term mean to the president? >> it means it's a perilous enterprise because the a-team goes away. >> stephen: mr. t and -- >> exactly right. they have qualified people. and there's always a loss of presidential focus. ronald reagan did a very good job of winding down the cold war but at the same time he had the iran contra scandals going on in his sec term. >> stephen: what is obama's scandal. the conservatives have been going after him with big guns. benghazi, the corbomight maneuver? it's just an episode of star trek but it sounds dangerous. what are they going after him with him? >> they are going to continue on what was not so successful is that he has socialist policies in mind and that he in the eyes of a lot of conservatives is
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somebody is not truly an american. >> stephen: well, the evidence is the executive over reach. he is clearly tyrant. rand paul said we don't like kings in this country. we don't like kings and king obama the first signed an executive order today, okay. that is countermanning the second amendment. is he going to be impeached? s but there are people calling for that? >> there are people calling for it and it won't happen. >> stephen: clinton was. >> that was entirely different. >> stephen: that wasn't executive over reach it was under reach. >> if you know what i mean. it was not clear who was reaching for whom in that case. >> stephen: i understand. that's how he got off. [ laughter ] in more ways than one. all right. so -- [ laughter ] -- you covered -- there one of these presidents that you
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covered that you like more than others that impress youed you me than other? >> they all had different qualities. >> stephen: oh, come on! there's got be. you are the most evenhanded person in the world. >> i'm fascinated by people who first of all get into the arena and run successfully for the presidency of united states, make them an historic figure, occupy the most powerful office in the world. it takes a lot of personal courage to do that and enormous eeg yes and determination to try to do something for the county. >> stephen: winning or running? >> both. to see how comfortable they are in the office of great power. for example, it's well known that among his aide and the president talked about this the other day he is not a great people person. he doesn't like hanging out with having people over and rolling up his sleeves. ronald reagan was a shy, reserved man.
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people don't realize this. >> stephen: really? >> he had a guard in front of him but he knew how to play the game. his staff of james baker and michael deaver and others would put together groups and he would be comfortable. george bush 41 was very par tritioned. he came from a prominent new england fax his son brought the texas ho down attitude about it getting things done. >> stephen: did you become friends with these guys? >> i don't think friends. with each of them i had my kind of degree of relationship. a couple of years ago we happened to run into president obama with my family. and my daughter who is in san francisco was an early and enthusiastic supporter. she said, mr. president i was with you early and i'm still with you, he put his arm around her and said, talk to your dad, if you would.
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[ laughter ] >> stephen: a great tom brokaw story. congress has moved our economy into a lean-to up against the edge of a fiscal cliff and they are putting down stakes. that's where we're going to live from now on. has it always been thus that we're in a constant tate of crisis in congress? >> no. >> stephen: it's exciting. i check the papers in the morning to see if there's an economy. you have a different threshold of excitement than i do. if that is what gets you off. >> stephen: very open minded of you. very open minded of you. you know who lived an exciting life damn ma close. do you think demographic shifts will change our policies in. >> i do. i think texas will be an entirely political piece of geography as a result of latino vote across the border there and the way they are spreading out
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into other districts. and the republican -- >> stephen: but as long as the white americans maintain a majority, the republicans are safe? >> it's a smaller majority as they learned this last time around and it's also not for them a hom mog usenuos. president obama was helped by the various ethnic groups but one said they turned out a larger portion of the african-american vote this time than they did the first time he ran. and the romney people thought it would go the other way. >> stephen: i was surprised by that, too. i was surprised that four years later african-americans hadn't gotten over that first black president thing. it happened. move on. [ laughter ] i think what they thought when they looked at the campaign is
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that who is going to take the best care of me in the next four years? >> stephen: are white people really going be in a minority in a few years? >> not for a while. >> stephen: just checking. thank you so much, tom. tom
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